"I am not a fish."

Everything in your life that has brought you here. To this moment. To this page. My condolences.

You're here because you have the hiccups. Because they've been driving you crazy. You can't eat, you can't sleep. You're sleep deprived. You sound like a lunatic on the phone. Taxis won't stop for you. You're one step away from wandering the public parks unkempt, in nothing other than an open bathrobe muttering to and interrupting yourself.

Hic - Hic - Hic - Hic - Hic

"Drink some water", some have said. 

"Oh, you just need someone to jump out and scare you!"

"No no, you're doing it all wrong. You need to drink from the opposite side of the cup."

"Eat a spoonful of sugar."

"A shot of whisky should do it."

A lot of advice. But the most ridiculous of all...

"LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SAY,

'I AM NOT A FISH.'"

If this is what you've heard, chances are you have come into contact with Tina & Mike. A couple of nuts in the peanut gallery. I cannot stress this enough.

THIS DOES NOT WORK.

Do not get washed away by their wave of propaganda. Dig deep and find the strength within as I have to resist their aquatic bullying, and know you can get through this without needing to disassociate from marine life.

Run away. Quick as you can. Tell them cereal is not a soup. It'll upset and distract them long enough for you to slip away quietly.

God Speed.